Shift your internal dialog from “that girl” to “this girl”
Social media curated feeds tell us that in order to be happy and productive, we need to choose between two types of personalities. We can either be a “girl boss” whose middle name is grind or we can be “that girl” who goes to her pilates class at 7 am after drinking her kale juice for breakfast.
We look at Pinterest feeds and try to create our own routine. Wake up at 6 am, practice yoga at 6:15 am, have oatmeal for breakfast at 6: 45 am, take a shower at 7 am, start getting kids ready at 7:30 am, get out of the door by 8 am.
We fail after day 3, and we proverbially beat ourselves up. We get down on ourselves and we go back to tumbling out of the bed after the 5th snooze, making peace with the fact that we are just not that productive as the girl who does all of her weekly tasks before 8 am. TikTok content creators tell us “if I can do it, so can you”, so why can’t we be as productive as “that girl”? After trying every method that some content creator suggested in their 15 second video, we again go back to internal dialog that says “I need to try harder, I am not good enough, I am a failure, I am doing something wrong”.
The fact is – you are trying super hard, and you are enough. But, If the glove doesn’t fit, you must acquit.
We are collectively doing something wrong – we believe that self care and self improvement needs to be an aesthetically pleasing package in order to be productive. In fact, self care and self improvement are often messy and lonely moments of our day. Bubble baths require you to scrub your tub, and working out often counts as running after your toddler so you can wipe his dripping booger with your sleeve.
Life gets in the way, and “that girl” routine is simply not sustainable. So ditch the “that girl” routine and create “this girl” routine. “This girl” routine consists of habits that fit in your unique, messy life, and feel good for you. Routine’s shouldn’t be stressful.
Grab a notebook! Here are 4 steps on how to create the routine that will work for you and your crazy, perfect and unpredictable life.
Note: If you are a new mom, please give yourself grace and understand that you are in survival mode. This is a special time for growing and learning and there is no space for routine making for another several months. This acceptance can be hard for us women who crave a sense of order, and we tend to feel guilty if we don’t have any.
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Step 1: Choose your Identity
Sometimes we ponder the question of life’s purpose and we think there is far too complicated an answer. So here it is:
We all share the same purpose in life and that purpose is PROGRESS.
Progress in learning, progress in being patient, being kinder, or progress in loving ourselves more, progress in being stronger, or simply earning more. Being at least a little bit better today than who we were yesterday is a true purpose of life in all human beings.
Progress is not to be mistaken with achieving an unattainable level of perfection. Progress is realizing that we are all imperfectly beautiful and our flaws and quirks are what makes us unique.
First things first, sit down and write 3 identities in which you want to associate yourself with.
I am confident and kind.
I am a runner.
I am a successful entrepreneur.
I am strong and athletic.
I am knowledgeable and resourceful.
I am influential.
Step 2: Reasons behind your identity
Write down as many WHYs as you can think of for wanting to be associated with this identity. The reasons don’t have to be deep or to make sense to anyone else but to you.
Write a list of reasons for each one of the identities you previously wrote.
For example:
The purpose of my strong and athletic identity is to be:
- More energized and active
- In great shape
- Healthier
- Stronger and physically resilient so I don’t get winded after climbing stairs
- Is to live long life with my children
- Confident in my body’s ability to do physically challenging things i.e. randomly and confidently do 20 pushups
Step 3: Commitment agreement
You NEED to write a commitment agreement and pledge to your identities. Not only do you need to make a commitment agreement, but you also have to make a contingency commitment agreement.
One of the best ways to stick to the routines and habits that will increase your productivity is by using your calendar and make a them recurring event.
Here is the thing with commitments to your identity – in order to become it, you need to focus on quantity over quality. After you connect with this identity, you will have an opportunity to work on optimization and improving quality.
Here it’s how it will look like.
Commitment agreement:
I will change into workout clothes and workout for 10 minutes at 6:30 pm when I get back from work on Mondays, Wednesdays or Fridays.
Contingency commitment agreement #1:
I will do 5 pushups and 5 squats before I go to bed
Contingency commitment agreement #12
I will go for a 20 minute walk every Saturday and Sunday.
Notice that I did not say “I will commit to a workout plan that will require me to be in the gym for 90 minutes”. You cannot go too big too soon because you will quit after 7 days. Life will get in the way, that’s why “that girl” morning routine is not sustainable.
Committing to your identity is committing to consistency and to progress.
Step 4: Track your progress
One of my favorite quotes is the one from James Clear’s book Atomic Habits – “You do not rise to the level of your goals, you fall to the level of your systems”. We can desire to buy a house one day, but if we do not create a system that will stick to our budgets and spending sacrifices we will never be able to reach our goal.
Each time we commit to a routine that reinforces our identity, we crave the following action that will reinforce the identity even further and make us feel good about ourselves. The moment we break that commitment, we feel a sense of failure. That’s why it is important that we visually track our daily commitments.
Here is what my March 2022 habit tracker looked like:
Download your own habit tracker, get unstuck and stick with the habits that will level up your life.
You haven’t had a chance to work out, but you did 5 squats and 5 push ups? Put a checkmark on today’s wall calendar. Or maybe you didn’t have a chance to do anything for 2 days in a row, and your apple watch is telling you that you burnt only 250 calories for those 2 days. When you look at your visual tracking reminder you will see that you worked out 18 days this month so far and it will inspire you to stick with your identity and do 5 squats and 5 push ups. There will be days when you commit to 5 squats and 5 push ups and you will end up doing 3 sets of 5 squats and 5 pushups because you feel inspired by the action of committing.
I do not recommend sticking to more than 2 habits per identity.
Motivation is bullshit. Action inspires motivation. In order to make a good routine, you need to make a strong quantitative case of commitment to your identity.
Commitment to our identities and progress in that identity is what makes us keep moving forward.
